Alone
by Ryuko-chan
Summary: Nothing about her life has been easy, and no one has thanked her for it. Now, her companions have left her all alone, and Silphiel is wondering why she's been cursed with such a fate. Perhaps if a God explains she'll understand. Grammar Update! (3/18/03)


ALONE

My Uncle had sent me out on an errand, as he has done quite a bit as of late. He sees it as a sort of aid against my sadness. I know he means well. But nothing can cure this feeling I have in my heart. This feeling that I have had since I saw them embracing there. I knew, oh how I knew, they had gone through something important together. Something more important than I had ever been to my dear Gourry. I had tried to comfort myself with the fact that he was changeable. 

But I knew it was false. He would never come back to me, and I was alone. Forever alone now. It sometimes makes me angry. For so long, I waited, for so long, I wished that maybe he would come. But he never came, and when he finally did, he was with her. I tried to hate her, but I can't. She's such a dynamic person, and such a good person, at heart. I can understand how he would fall for her instead of me. There's nothing that I can give that she can't. The best thing I could do was the dragon slave. And she can even do better than that. I thought maybe, if I learned that spell, he would see that I was as good as her, but, she one-upped me, again. She was always better than me, and I can't fault her for that. 

I always hoped. Hoped to Cepheed that maybe, he would love me after I did 'this', or after he learned 'that' about me. It was only a moment before I realized that nothing could help. He was in love with her, doubtless was since long before I met her. It was like a slap in the face when he returned with her that first time. It was telling me that I would have to stop living in the past and stop fantasizing about the perfect life, because it wouldn't happen. Not anymore. And he would never know. Never. Never ever know that I loved him. 

Even if I died today, they wouldn't notice. And when they finally did, they wouldn't miss me. They never thought of me as anything but a coincidental ally, someone they just met, on the spur of the moment. Even he would think that. Even he wouldn't care. 

I am picking flowers. I knew my uncle didn't need flowers. He knew that I knew, but it didn't matter. He never expected me to do anything, I suppose he just wanted me to be happy. I wish I could. The tears are streaming down my face. I sit on the grass, still crying. It's almost like I'm not there anymore, as if I'm watching my own body cry. 

I whisper, "Alone, I'm all alone." Because. I am. She, and he, and the others. They are gone, no doubt forgotten entirely about me. And my father. My tears reach new extremes. 

First I lose my mother, and then my father, everyone I knew, anyone who knew me, and everyone who cared about me, gone. It was worse. Worse than just death. They were alive again, but it wasn't them. I never thought that LoN could think up any worse tortures for me, but now I know I was always on her hell list. Why else would all such horrible things happen to me? Lina, who kills people with reckless abandon, gets the favor of the ultimate mother, but I, I who have done nothing wrong, get the worst things to happen to me. 

I get up, wiping my eyes. I must pick these flowers, if it kills me. For, I prove my utter uselessness if I can't even do such a simple task as this. I pick a humble violet. I place it in the basket. It looks so forlorn, all alone. Perhaps it should stay that way. The Mother of All things is not an indecisive creature. Perhaps there is a reason that this, meek, violet has to stay alone. And yet, it doesn't make sense for a person who didn't do anything to be punished so severely. 

I begin to cry again, "Why?" I ask the sky, "Why do I have to suffer so? I know I'm not your chosen, but I am not meant to be alone! For this to happen, for my friends, my father, my home, and to do it to me twice? What sort of evil have I done to deserve this?" I collapse to my knees, sobbing. I never expected an answer. The Lord of Nightmares is too strong to be bothered by a simple shrine maiden like me. I lean against a tree, crying myself to sleep. 

In my dreams, an endless void makes itself appear to me. A voice speaks from the void, ::Why are you sad, young shrine maiden?:: it asks, in a tone that indicates puzzlement, and secrecy. 

I shout, unassuming in my dream, "I am alone, so alone!" I say. 

The void pauses. It sighs, ::Perhaps you will explain to me if I take on a form suitable for you, then?:: I nod, not knowing what else to do. A shaft of golden light appears before me. When I am able to look back, a tall woman is there, long, curling blonde-gold hair swirling against her gown of slinky, shimmering gold. She smiles, "Now, young woman, tell me what you wish of me." she says. 

I nod, "I am alone. All my friends have," I pause, "left me, all my acquaintances have died. The one that I love is with another, and my family is gone. On top of all that, I must be tortured by the Hellmaster, and cannot do anything to save the man I love." 

The woman smiles, "That is not a problem. Sooner or later, all things die, it is, perhaps, your fault for becoming so attached to them." She said, "I cannot help you with that problem." She purses her lips, "The Hellmaster, Phibrizzo, has been punished for his ultimate crimes, and that is taken care of, and young woman, I cannot change the hearts of mortals. Though it may hurt you now, perhaps it is all for the best. I do not control everything, I cannot be blamed for all." She reminds me gently. 

I nod, but tears stream from my eyes, "Mother," I say, "Must I suffer so, for Lina Inverse?" I ask. 

The mother smiles upon me, "No, young woman, you suffer for yourself. You dwell on the depressing, and do not shine light on the joy in your life. And, if you love this man, so much, this human, perhaps you are the one for him. Lina, is my knight, she is my chosen, but she can not have everything in life. But, neither can you. Do not expect too much of it, dear, I did not make it perfect, nor did I say it would be easy. More I cannot say. But, I thank you, you and the others, they have facilitated something very important, to your mortal lives, they should be proud." I nod, and she shines back into the void. 

"Thank you so much, L-sama!" I shout into the void. Her words have not given me hope. But they have lightened my burden somewhat. Nothing is to change what has already happened. But perhaps, I can change what hasn't. 

I awake, smiling in remembrance of the dream. Perhaps that's all it was, just a dream. But it was a happy dream, and that's more than I have had as of late. I glance up to the skies. The stars are winking, exactly as in that sea of chaos. I smile, and pick one more flower. It is a fire rose, almost shining in the dark. I see a sunflower, but I must leave that one alone. Maybe someday, when the time is right, I'll pick it, but for now, the time is not right. I must let it grow. I walk back to the hut, where I hear voices.

"-I don't know, we just kind of decided to come.." said a familiar voice, "It was Lina's idea, I think." He said. 

"Mine? No, actually Zel, coming here was Gourry's idea. Ask him." She said. 

I emerged from the bushes.

"Well, I really missed Sylphiel's cooking, and I decided, you know, well, I missed her, so it was kind of.." he said scratching his head.

"Gourry! Miss Lina, Miss Amelia, Mr. Zelgadis, how nice to see you!" I exclaim. It really is a shock to me, that they're here. Perhaps L-sama knew they were coming. 

"Hey, Sylphiel." Lina says smiling. She truly is a nice person, and somehow now I feel like she has had to come a long way, and suffer a lot for all she's done. There are lines in her face that I couldn't have noticed before. 

"Hello, Sylphiel-san." Amelia says cheerily. Every fiber of her being tells of her struggle to break free of her princessly boundaries, and the terror of something else, something that's unreadable. 

Zelgadis-san merely waves. His struggle is easy to read. It's marked in every line of his cape and his cowl, and the way his eyes move, even the way he maneuvers in a battle. But the one I most want to see is Gourry-chan. 

I dash over to him, and smile. He smiles down at me, his face a mark of a man who loves, but unknowing how, who feels, but unknowing why, who needs, but unknowing what. 

"Hi, Sylphiel." He says, smiling. How I love it when he favors me with that smile. It is just then when I realize that for some reason, in her all-knowing silence, the Lord of Nightmares has granted me with a great gift. Whether she knew it or not, of whether maybe it was my imagination or not, I know about people by their bodies and faces alone. 

I smile, "Would you all like something to eat?" I ask. They all smile, and nod, accepting in their various ways. I blink at them, adding, "L-sama says thank you." They glance askance at me, but shrug. 

I notice a confused look on Zelgadis' face. He is going to ask me about that later, I know, to ask about his cure. Now I can read it on his face. I glance out the kitchen window, at the far field where the sunflower grows. I'm going to pick it someday, and then I won't be alone any more. 


End file.
